Hey I Miss You!

There's no way around it. I've always been this way. I make friends fast and then I can't keep up. It's not that I don't care. I really, really, really do actually. I like people. I really am thankful for them. 

I have this tendency to be there the least, when I'm needed most. Or at least, it feels this way. I'll miss a text or two and leave them for later. Days grow old and I spend another week by myself and I fail to reply-- and they disappear--like wind that shook the branches and kept going. 

Other than perhaps three topics, I feel really open to talking about anything that has happened in my life. It let's people in, so they can let me in. It's a really wonderful thing when that happens. To hear people's thoughts, their feelings, and the nuances of who they are. So I get to see the depth of people quickly and it's a wonderful thing, but it's hard for me to feel that I have depth in the same way. I don't really feel like people care about me at some point, because they realize I am old, used goods. So people come and go just as they usually do, so it's an uneasy feeling to put weight on someone who is filling a vacant motel.

I am lucky. I have some best friends. Some people I've met that I don't need to talk to everyday, but I want to keep in my life forever. Meeting people that just "get it" are rare. So you expect that when you stumble upon these people, you do everything you can to keep them-- right? I guess so, but I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I take too much and give all to little to those that deserve much more, coming from someone who deserves much less.

I wish I could tell a lot of people that I am sorry. For not being there, for being not what you expected, for seeming like I don't care, for not putting enough effort. I wish I could tell a lot of people they deserve a better friend, because they've been there more for me than I ever could have hoped.

I hope that I can be better. So I don't lose anyone else and so I can be there for people again. Because one day, I'll keep going down a certain road on a certain day and I'll take a few turns too many and realize that this isn't the place I wanted to be.